Motherhood doesn't come easy for me. Some women have waited since they were young to become Mothers and even if they struggle they still feel they are fulfilling their childhood dream. Me, not so much. I finally decided I'd like to have a few children when I was 21 and even then I thought 2 would be plenty. Remember how I was going to be a corporate business woman? LOL -- see how those dreams work out.:) Don't get me wrong -- I love my children beyond words, I feel that I am fulfilling the role I came to earth to fulfill. I just feel that I am just not very good at it. (and quite honestly that's how I know it's my role, if it were easy for me I'd be scared I wasn't learning anything here on earth)
When I first had Garrett I thought I would be so good at being disciplined -- and I actually was -- but I think I forgot about the " followed by an increase in love" part. He was gonna be the perfect child if it killed me. Of course, I only see this in retrospect. As the years have gone on I've become more of a softy -- I still have my expectations and the kids know that -- but sometimes they just ignore me, lots of times they whine, whine, whine and most of all they just act so much like a 4 year old, 6 year old and 8 year old.:)
So, today on the almost fifth year of child number three -- I continue to ask myself -- am I being too tough on these kids? Am I too easy and inconsistent? Do I teach them to work hard enough? When he screamed and cried after I scolded him did it mean I was too mean or is he just trying to get me to feel mean? When they get older and go off on their own, will I have taught them everything they need to know? HOW in the world do I know??
Yes, I know -- we've been told to read the scriptures, follow what the prophet tells us to do, pray and follow the spirit to raise children. I do all that(not perfectly but I try) -- and I will continue to do all that, yet I continue to question my parenting skills multiple times a day. Was I too tough on him? Was I too easy on him? Did I yell too loud or did I need to yell louder? Is she just pulling my strings again? Why am I seemingly the only Mom at swimming lessons running around like a chicken with her head cut off? Geesh?!?!?
Unless you have a foolproof way of teaching me to be a good parent -- I'm not up for too much advice(cuz TRUST me I've read plenty of books:)) I'm just wondering if this contemplation will ever go away? Philip is right, I do have high expectations of myself and my family. I always say I'll never lower my expectations but when things don't go as I expect I can't be too upset, just learn and move forward -- with the same expectations.
Many times I say -- tomorrow will be a better day but honestly, will it? :) Maybe so, if only because I've learned from today.
9 comments:
Megan, I think you just expressed the fears, joys and frustrations of every mother. I don't think we'll ever know for sure if we're doing it right. I think we'll get a pretty good idea once our kids become parents themselves. I still cry everytime read the book "I'll Love You Forever"(and I've read it at least 100 times). Thanks for the great post.
I don't think we ever stop second-guessing our parenting decisions. Wait till they're teenagers, you get a whole new set of insecurities! Like you say, you do your best each day, and when it's not your best, you try better the next day. My stake pres. gave a talk once where he said we don't have to be perfect, just do the best that we can with what we have. I happen to think you're doing great, and BTW you are the Megan I was talking about.
Megan, I think that you have expressed the same view of all women. There can not be a mother out there that thinks that they have it all right. Every child is different and we deal with them each in different ways- that kind of throws off the consistancy. All we can do is love them and love our spouses and when they become parents- most likely they will do the same. You're doing great! To me it seems that time is going by way too fast and there isn't much time to do it right, so if we cando the best we can now- it'll be easier in the long run.It is much harder to back track.. If we are living right - our Savior will take care of us. Love ya!
The problem with parenting books is that they all have some "nifty plan" that is supposed to work. And work they do, but only for certain parents with certain types of children at certain times. I'm going to take the risk and off a couple of suggestions. Love them unconditionally and roll with the punches. Guess Who is looking down on us and doing just that.
I have the same contemplations on a daily basis. being a mom is scary! knowing that you are raising these children that will all too soon be adults, hopefully productive members of society! Yikes! And they are all too smart, to make us all wonder if we are too mean, or too nice, or whatever! I hear ya, sister!
Great post Megan. I can SO relate to you!! I too think I HAD to be a mom because it is so unnatural for me. I was thinking about a positive element of keeping a blog is it makes me focus on what I actually might have done in the day with the kids. Too often I feel like I am at maximum capacity just getting their basic needs of food and shelter met! :) I believe that the whole parenting thing is as much about the development of the parent as it is about the development of the child and some days I feel like I have a lot of developing to do!
I coudln't agree more with ya Megan! hose thoughts go through my head daily and I tend to find myself really wondering how these kids will turn out! As a parent we take their successes and give ourselves a little credit and then the hard times we tend to think What did we do wrong? There has got to be a better way to look at it.
I think the fact that all of us are concerned show that we are headed in the right direction right????
I agree with everything everyone said...but most of all Bart! You should put those words by your bedside and read them each morning and evening. I still wonder about what I could have done differently (and unfortunately I can't even remember alot of what I did or didn't do:)!) or better or not at all. It's important not to find that balance of not getting down on ourselves and not giving up! I love you so much!!
Correction..."It's important TO find that balance..."
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